On Being the Asker.

You know the saying, "Always a bridesmaid never a bride"? Well... This is kind of like that, I am always the Ask-er, never the ask-ee.

I'm talking about the lack of true friends you come across as you get older. 

Does this usually happen during deployment? Things were going so well with the few select female friends that I had, we had all kinds of plans to do stuff, go places, and at the very least, hang out. 

And what happened? The day that my husband left, that all went down the drain. I had a bought of depression, and I didn't want to hang out with anyone. I forced myself to get out the damn door to hang out with at least my best friend. Let me tell you, it was hard, and is still hard. I still find me forcing myself to leave the house, giving myself more reasons and excuses to cancel plans. And also for some reason, even though, a few months ago, I was like, IN LOVE with my FRG. I now, am having a hard time wanting to join in on the fun that it can provide. I am trying so hard not to turn into a hermit, even though, that's all that I want to do. 

However, this issue is not just me. I was hanging out with people on a regular basis, even though I had to force myself to go, I had fun, and I never really regretted making myself go. 

All of a sudden recently, whenever I feel like doing something, I have to ask like, 10 people before someone decides that they'd like to hang out with me. I do this on a regular basis. I am always the ask-er. No one ever asks me to go hang out with them. Is this usual?? Is it because I don't really feel like I have a best friend here anymore? It's so weird. But it's kind of been my whole life, I feel like I have always been the ask-er. It makes me wonder if there is something about me that doesn't appeal to people. Am I always meant to be an outcast?

One thing, recently, that has been bugging me, other than this, is the fact that I have been trying so hard with some people to be their friend, to be their for them. And all I hear from them is how they cannot find a friend... And yes, they're complaining to ME about how they're done with friends, and how they don't trust anyone, and don't want to hang out with anyone anymore, and that they're building a wall. 

Do you know how that feels? It feels like they basically told me to their face that in a nutshell, I am not good enough to be their friend. What do I do? Not like there is much I can do. I imagine I have done all that I can do in that particular situation, and I should be done.

I feel like with almost everyone in this community, I have to try way too hard. You know, it's like, moving to a new school, in the middle of no where, where no one has left, or no one new has came in. So everyone has known each other since they were negative zero years old, so their cliques are already made and decided, so you're forced on the outside.

I've been dumped on by so many people it's hard to keep a positive attitude about it, and trudge on. I wish I could say that all I needed was my husband, but that just isn't true. I also need a best friend, to hang out whenever, and wherever, for whatever reason. And I, of course, also need puppy.

Speaking of puppy here is something cute:

Isn't that just the cutest puppy butt you have ever seen? :) 
Thanks for reading this far. Sometimes I just need to rant.

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  1. I just want to say I know where you're coming from and can relate. I've felt like this most of my life, as well. I still keep in contact with the same group of friends from high school when I go back home to visit, but I've always felt like everyone is closer to each other than to me. It's not a great feeling, for sure.

    I don't know. Maybe you and I are the types who go through "seasons" when it comes to friends. Like, we do well on our own but also need others, except maybe we haven't done the necessary "maintenance" on those friendships, y'know? Does that even make sense? If it doesn't, I just wanted to say I get the feeling.

  2. I totally could have written this post. Why do friends get so much harder as we get older? This totally happened while my husband deployed, too. Hang in there...


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