Excerpt from my journal... Of "The Night".

     It was "the night"... I dropped him off at the hangar... it was such an odd experience... I didn't really feel like it was actually ME who was going through this. Everyone else was, not me though, I felt as though I was just an on-looker. Watching all these women crying because they were saying their goodbyes. Their children will be without their daddies for the next... who knows how long? I felt like I didn't belong there... I wasn't there...
     He was standing in line for what seemed like hours and I was standing near the families but no one was interacting with me, I felt invisible. Sure, I said "hi" to about two people... it it just didn't feel real. It wasn't happening to me.
     As soldiers began filling the area where the families were waiting, I began to wonder if *MY* soldier was ever going to come back to me? Did Maj. grab him and make him start working on *MY* time, again? (wouldn't be unusual). Did he offer to help out another soldier *yet again* and forget about me? Me, the one standing all alone in a giant group of families who are hugging, kissing, and loving on each other for one last time before they go. I'm waiting for you...
     So I went looking for him. In all the camo, I finally found him, still in line for his weapon... He has to put the strap on it. His frustration rises the longer it takes and he can't figure it out... *Hello, I'm right here, please love on me!*. I have yet no urge to cry but I am already feeling empty. Alone. Still invisible.
     We walk back to the family area where we hold hands and act like this night isn't really the night that he is leaving. *It's not really happening to me, I don't belong here. I'm invisible, just an on-looker.*
     He has some coffee and his grumpiness subsides. Walking around the hangar, finding people to say "see ya later" to... Am I really here? Can anyone see me? This isn't happening to me...
     Cameras flashing, people hugging, tears falling... I'm just an on-looker. It's not really happening. I feel numb. I am invisible.
     Vaguely holding hands and we're unsure how to process this situation. How do we interact with all the others? With each other? Why do we have to walk up to them, are we supposed to talk with all the others? Do we give them space or just say our goodbyes? I'm not really here, I'm invisible.
     He gets pulled away... A voice comes over the loud speaker. It's time.
     Is this for real? This isn't happening to me... I am just an on-looker.
     He comes back. Hugs. Kisses. And more kisses.
     "You are beautiful, intelligent, and a capeable woman."
     I love you. Goodbye, see you later. Contact me as soon as possible...
     Clusters of people. I look around. I don't recognise anyone. No one gives me eye contact... No one notices. I really am invisible.
     What do I do?
     I'm not here... Not really. As I walk to the car, the pressure builds up, my chin wobbles and I forget how to breathe... and then tears.
     Sitting in the car, I'm invisible. I just said BYE to my husband.
     Whoa. this. is. my. life...
     I'm really here.
     I'm really invisible.

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1 comment:

  1. This was hard to read. I'm sorry. Life swept me up and i haven't been a good friend to anyone. How are you doing?


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