So, 95 days ago on August 17th at 1am in the morning, I had my last cigarette.

Today, 95 days later, I gave my house a good once over hoping to find a random pack of cigarettes... I didn't find one. I wasn't very happy about it. I am not sure what about today made me search but, I did.

Quitting smoking has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I am not even exaggerating. I don't know if I have told you about the struggles that I have gone through, but there's been many. I decided to quit while my husband was away on training. I thought that would have been a good time to quit because I heard that people would get very grumpy during the first part.

No one told me this would be an ongoing struggle...

For the first week or so, every time I wanted a cigarette, it felt as though I was going to a friend's funeral. This happened around 20 times a day. It was draining, emotionally, physically... I started drawing a lot in my art journal. I started complaining a lot, just getting it out. I couldn't keep it in any longer.

I started getting increasingly more agitated. And it wasn't just the basic agitation that you get in the beginning - this was getting to the point of rage (of course, I am good about keeping it all inside - so no physical altercations here! Woohoo, though, lots of imaginary ones.) It has gotten to the point that about a month ago, I was just angry all the time. I am not an angry person, and this wasn't me.

My husband mentioned not too long ago that I "used to be bubbly and happy no matter what". This was it, I was changing too much and I was too angry. It took me a month, but I finally made appointments to get help. I have been at the point of needing help for quite some time. But I hate going to the doctor's office so I put it off. I couldn't do it any more. I have been depressed and it's just getting worse.

This morning, well yesterday by now, I had my first appointment with a smoking cessation therapist. She was easy to talk to, thankfully, I didn't cry - again, thankful (I would have literally been a hot mess) - and she and I are on the same page. We both concur that medication would be beneficial at this point. And I can't wait to start. I need a little bit of relief.

This is A LOT to handle on my own! And my husband wants to quit his nicotine habit by the end of the year as well! So, it will be nice to have some assistance with the metal aspect of it. Physically, I am a stubborn SOB and I have had opportunities, dreams, and fantasies about smoking cigarettes, bumming them from people... And just going back to my old self - just like that.

If I would have found that pack of cigarettes that I thought I had (a pack that my friend gave me two years ago from Italy that I had on display - unopened)...

I would have smoked one.

No one told me that I would think about smoking a cigarette all day, every day. I thought that part was over, but it comes back.

No one told me that. 

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