My attitude is very, lets say... Punchy. I would like to punch a lot of things. All of the things, if you will.
At 0100 on August 17th, I had my last cigarette.
I really think my color chart is pretty ingenious. Maybe I will have to do a little tutorial over it or something. But it shows half and half mixes, more water mixes, and 25%-75% mixes. It really built my confidence knowing that I could make all these colors (and more, really) with my limited palette of 5 colors.
I also really solidified the idea of not really needing a BLACK black. You can make your own dark dark color by mixing colors. I usually mix red, brown, black, and green to get a weird shade of DARK nearly black color. I mean, if you think about it, there isn't really black black in nature... It's always a VERY DARK NEEEARLY black but, of another color. You know? So it was fun to play with that.
Someone said after reading this journal entry that I was too negative. I told them that they should try quitting smoking cigarettes. LOL. Letting out the negativity onto paper has really been helping my attitude and keeping my hands busy. I don't really care what the writing says, as long as I am not smoking.
Day 6. Man, day 6 was easy and very difficult. I went over to my friend's mom's house to give her some stuff, and chat a bit. But for some stinkin' reason once I got there and sat down, I started getting nervous. My nervousness soon turned into anxiousness. I became flush, started sweating, and was shaking. I do realize that there is a bit of a language barrier between my friend's parents and I (they speak German and a teeeeeeny tiny bit of english) but, I had never felt nervous before. Mind you, I would usually have a cigarette before going in. And, my friend would be there, of course.
My anxiety was so darn terrible. I felt so uncomfortable, and I was trying to talk to them. Using my broken German, and my phone as a translator. It was so difficult! I had to get out of there. I said my good byes, apologized for being so nervous, and headed out the door. As soon as I got out of sight of my friend's mom, I started breaking down. I started ugly crying. It was the worst. Just thinking about how I felt, I almost started crying again. It was so so so so embarrassing. I was just shuffling to my car as quick as I could so no one would spot me and ask what was wrong, because I wouldn't be able to explain it. I still can't really explain it.
I really enjoyed smoking, I didn't feel like it was causing problems in my life at all. I still exercised, and ate healthy, and took care of myself (sounds stupid when talking about smoking at the same time). But I honestly really enjoyed it.
The first few days of quitting, it felt like I was experiencing a best friend's funeral 20 times a day, over and over and over. Cigarettes had been there for me since I was 17. I could have all these issues that were covered by smoking cigarettes. For instance, the anxiety. Maybe I've had it all along (maybe its just happening because I am quitting smoking), but I hadn't ever dealt with it without a cigarette. It's kind of overwhelming!