Let me preface this with the type of attitude I have at the moment:

My attitude is very, lets say... Punchy. I would like to punch a lot of things. All of the things, if you will.

So, you might just not want to comment at all on this post. I have no idea how to temporarily disable my Disqus comments so... Just don't comment. That is the best advice I have for you.

At 0100 on August 17th, I had my last cigarette.

I would definitely say that the first three days was the VERY Hardest part so far of quitting smoking. They were terrible. It's probably a good thing that my husband is away at Training.... Cause we might be getting a divorce if he had been home. Haha. On day three I felt like I needed to get out of the house, PLUS I had a package waiting for me at the post office... So it was time to leave the house.  

It was terrible. I was so anxious while driving. I went downtown to check out what I could spend my new-found money on. Art supplies, and coffee of course. So, I went to all the art stores I knew of downtown (two...) and I found two different sets of "professional" artist quality watercolor paints. 

I finally just decided to go with the Lukas brand watercolors (they're German made!). I was a bit worried about the price... cause let me tell you, they were not cheap. The tin was 14.95euro, the large pan 4.25euro, and the half pans 3.25euro. I could only afford the 6 colors. Chinese White, Olive Green, Prussian Blue, Alizarin Crimson, Indian Yellow, and Raw Umber. It came to a total of over 35euro (nearly $50 USD!). Man o Man. Ah well. I did it cause I could. 

After my purchase, I sat down at my favorite coffee shop downtown and had a Chai Latte... I was freaking out the whole time though. I could not concentrate at all, all I could think about was a damn cigarette. You know, quitting is not an easy task living in Europe! It seems like everyone smokes here. So I was just sitting there, and my heart pounding. I just had to get out of there. Luckily my next stop was the post office where my package was waiting for me. It was my Noodler's Black American Eel waterproof ink for my Lamy Fountain pen! Yay! I bought it on Goulet Pens and it came so fast! And free shipping for APO addresses! Yay! I think it came in a little over a week?? It was amazing. 

The first thing I did with my brand new really expensive watercolors was to build my confidence with the limited palette. I decided that it would be a good idea to make a color chart and color wheel.

I really think my color chart is pretty ingenious. Maybe I will have to do a little tutorial over it or something. But it shows half and half mixes, more water mixes, and 25%-75% mixes. It really built my confidence knowing that I could make all these colors (and more, really) with my limited palette of 5 colors.

I also really solidified the idea of not really needing a BLACK black. You can make your own dark dark color by mixing colors. I usually mix red, brown, black, and green to get a weird shade of DARK nearly black color. I mean, if you think about it, there isn't really black black in nature... It's always a VERY DARK NEEEARLY black but, of another color. You know? So it was fun to play with that.

Of course, I had to try my hand at my new ink! So I drew Koodge. He is often the unwilling subject of my drawing studies. I really have noticed my Koodge Drawing Skills getting better and better every time. :) 

Someone said after reading this journal entry that I was too negative. I told them that they should try quitting smoking cigarettes. LOL. Letting out the negativity onto paper has really been helping my attitude and keeping my hands busy. I don't really care what the writing says, as long as I am not smoking.

Day 6. Man, day 6 was easy and very difficult. I went over to my friend's mom's house to give her some stuff, and chat a bit. But for some stinkin' reason once I got there and sat down, I started getting nervous. My nervousness soon turned into anxiousness. I became flush, started sweating, and was shaking. I do realize that there is a bit of a language barrier between my friend's parents and I (they speak German and a teeeeeeny tiny bit of english) but, I had never felt nervous before. Mind you, I would usually have a cigarette before going in. And, my friend would be there, of course.

My anxiety was so darn terrible. I felt so uncomfortable, and I was trying to talk to them. Using my broken German, and my phone as a translator. It was so difficult! I had to get out of there. I said my good byes, apologized for being so nervous, and headed out the door. As soon as I got out of sight of my friend's mom, I started breaking down. I started ugly crying. It was the worst. Just thinking about how I felt, I almost started crying again. It was so so so so embarrassing. I was just shuffling to my car as quick as I could so no one would spot me and ask what was wrong, because I wouldn't be able to explain it. I still can't really explain it. 

There are so many variables to why that outburst could have happened. My husband is away, my best friend moved away, I quit smoking, I feel like poo, I haven't been sleeping well... I mean the list is awfully long. Maybe it was just too much pressure, or real anxiety. I guess I might never know. However, if I have more episodes like that, I am definitely going to talk to a doc.

Ugh, then! I had to deal with the caaar. Ugh. The worst. But, it was a pretty good day. I wanted to try working on some portraits, and I didn't want to paint myself. I pulled up a photo of Dan and painted him. I did such a great job *sarcasm*, I painted him as if he was 97 years old! Not sure what happened there, but I find it quite hilarious! 

Over all... I would say that quitting smoking sucks, a lot. A. LOT. A LOT! It is like, one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I don't even really WANT to quit. I just know that it's better, you know? I also want more money for art supplies. Maybe my reasons are enough, maybe they aren't. Either way I had to give it one more go.

I really enjoyed smoking, I didn't feel like it was causing problems in my life at all. I still exercised, and ate healthy, and took care of myself (sounds stupid when talking about smoking at the same time). But I honestly really enjoyed it.

The first few days of quitting, it felt like I was experiencing a best friend's funeral 20 times a day, over and over and over. Cigarettes had been there for me since I was 17. I could have all these issues that were covered by smoking cigarettes. For instance, the anxiety. Maybe I've had it all along (maybe its just happening because I am quitting smoking), but I hadn't ever dealt with it without a cigarette. It's kind of overwhelming! 

Anyway. So there you have it. There I was, and I hope to be around more often!  

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment! I appreciate it SO much!